Questions and Confusions

The confusions of today pave way for the questions of tomorrow. How does one go about seeking an answer to his questions? What does he use as a guide to direct his thinking? The scriptures and Swami talk about an inward inquiry. The voice of the divine spark in us speaks to us in the silence of the surroundings and the heart. Yet one needs the courage to seek this answers.

What do we seek? Peace is a camouflage given to a much deeper need for attention, success and prosperity in some and something else in others. How then does one understand the play of thoughts? The Yoga Vasishtha calls fate is a play of self-effort or lack of it thereof. To seek something a desire needs to develop. To fight for it, a motivation and a strong sense of prompting must be there. Over the last four years of my life, this sense of desire has gone haywire. It is not that I don’t have any desires, but they seem completely contraditary to my inner promptings. They seem to cloud my judgement about the truth about my understanding of life and abilities given to me in this life.

I have so far hurt my Self so much, that I doubt the intelligence give to me by G_D. Swami has been the once source of strength in this life. Unfortunately, I am constantly making efforts to go contrary to what He says. After the initial few visions of His presence around me, I have not had any more chances of seeking His presence. The native american book talks about special efforts to be made for days or even months before the medicine men could get visions of the future. It is as if He speaks through these words telling me, that I have fallen very deep into the ways of the world of late and need deep spiritual exercises before getting His vision. It is not the boon of material, but the gift of His presence which gives peace and happiness. Rest is mere show and lip service.

Life’s Decisions

How much ever I try not to make a decision, I keep coming back to it. Things are pretty simple as they stand for most of us. But added the mental conditions and desires, things get too complicated. I stand today on the crossroads of building a career. I seem incapacitated on most occasions to choose. I was complaining to Swami (spiritual Master), choose something for me, I will do as you wish, but relieve me from this burden of this illusion of deciding my fate. But what am I to do when I cannot see His grand plan? Where am I to look for advice when the situation demands an action? They (don’t know who) say gamble and chance (pretty much the same thing) is a part of life. But one gambles when one knows what they want. Its like gambling on a gamble, meta-games in economic theory.

I feel currently incapacitated by my lack of foot-hold in life. When people praise others, I almost feel equivalent to them defaming me. I who has no backing of good references, who has pretty much a neutral opinion about myself, cannot see today as any different from tomorrow. Every single day lacks a motivation to do something. It is as if, just a part of life that makes no sense and is coming and going as a routine. I know I will keep thinking about it this way till there is someone who feeds my belly, gives me a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. The moment I am on my own, when there is no one to look after this body reality will strike, the same way it struck when I was unceremoniously kicked out of UCF Economics program.

People dont know how lucky they are when there is someone to fall back on to and take care of them in times of crisis. I for one know how much for granted I take my mom and dad. I see the pain they go through even today, when I should take care of them. I have advertently brought suffering to many people I know. Unfortunately, I feel hapless in my thinking. There are so many avenues that come to mind, but I dont know what I want to do. More than that, I dont know what I “should” do.

Unfortunately the dilemma does not end there, questions just keep piling up in my head as to, whether I gotta ask “should or want”. The question stems from the basic inquiry about life’s choices. That is if they are made for you already or are they made here through the options presented in front of us. If I am here for a certain desire to be fulfilled, if so then what is it? If I can just find out about it I will follow it wholeheartedly. Then, if I am here to fulfill that desire, what about all the other desires I have formed for myself. Are they part of the things that need to be fulfilled too before I am content spiritually. Should I just chuck them all and get into something that slowly but surely eliminates all these desires and brings back Me (to me) without all these questions, just peace and contentment. If that is the case, then what if whatever I get into, I am not able take care of my family. What if they are saddened by this affair and I become a cause for their agony. Beyond all that “Does all this matter?”

If anyone is reading this (very unlikely), and is very confused about it, then you can multiply that confusion ten times and imagine the state of my head right now. LOL, but trust me it is the most happening place on earth right now.

Free will…

The most sought after, the most debated and the most violent topic in life. Right from our birth we oppose and fight, argue and break, just for establishing to ourselves, the existence of free will. The system of Democracy was built around this so called free will. War for independence has been fought in the name of free will. People struggle in their lives, earn money, gain positions of power in order to establish their power of free will.

Today I fight a similar battle, with the desire to establish myself in this family. With a desire to have a position of responsibility and say in this family. At the same time be able to choose my career through free will. I who has struggled with failures over the past three years, trying to establish my free will, have learnt one thing. What ever it is, its nature is like that of sand. The more I try to grab on to it, the more it slips away. I have learnt that I dont fully comprehend the meaning of free will, pride can sometimes disguise it self as a desire for free will.

Mindful to Mindless…

I sometimes think of these very interesting names and themes to write about. But never seem to be happy with the justice I do with them. However, today was slightly different; I started today thinking about the phone interview with the research guy at GE. It is on friday and I know in my heart I am not prepared. Every word I read and try to understand I feel I am trying to be a liar. I want it so bad that I feel this is the only opportunity for me to redeem my past. A chance to accept responsibility.

I sense how mindful I am of the opportunities and benefits this position presents, the dreams and aspirations, the pride. But it is only in mindlessness can I get peace and contentment I seek.

Sexual assualts on a rise…

Ever since I came to India about 3 weeks back. Ever since lading here, I am surprised to see sexual assault cases making regular headlines in the news. I am not going to point to specific cases, as each one of them has been gruesome and debilitating. I feel as a person, a human, a member of the society, a part of this country, what can I do? How can there be a support structure to help these innocent victims? Mind that, these are only a small fraction of cases being made public. There may be so many who are just too ashamed or scared to come out into the open. How then can an effect system be established that can do some meaningful help. I feel powerless and at the same time provoked (almost) to take some action.

After all, everyone of us loves to chat and discuss, but back out when it comes to action. This is a social problem that needs action from the entire society, without involvement of the entire society it would be worthless. Anyone has any suggestions to get started…?

A grain of sand in the vast cosmos

I am back in India, after my brief stint at the Economics department at UCF.  In the grand scheme of time the last three years at UCF seem almost trivial and of inconsequential. But today they are the most influential parts of my future decision making. I have spent the better part of last week explaining to people what I have been doing and at times almost hiding from them truth of the matter or even avoiding a meeting.

Although, in my heart I know what swayed me to move to Economics after two years of PhD in Electrical Engineering (close to completion), I feel at a loss to explain and seek advice from others. The wheel of time goes on, but how important is it for one to pursue the path of self development at the expense of stability in life. One may argue that stability comes from personal satisfaction. But is personal satisfaction more important than practical responsibilities of life.

Today I do not carry the burden of being accountable for another life. But it won’t be long, most likely in the next two years, before life places me in such a position. I do not want to be a cause for pain to my parents in this respect… but I don’t understand the way to proceed. The magnitude of situation for me personally is immense.

But if I stepped out… of myself and think in the context of this entire expanse of the universe, I see a speck of sand complaining about life… but who is listening…??!!

Distraction from the purpose of life

A difficult point to write about unless we have truly felt its presence. It is frustrating and always seems to be getting in the way. Distraction, there are times it is what we seek, and of course as for pretty much everything in this world the flip side, it charms us away when we least want it. 

I guess the question to ask is not whether it seeks us, but rather how strongly we desire it when we least want it. I know this sounds rather absurd, but think about it.

I imagine myself sitting by the side of a window on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, a long time since I got a chance to just spend some quite time with myself. Sitting there contemplating about the purpose of life and looking beyond the mundane activities of the day. Feeling a sense of enthusiasm and determination in meeting life to really embark on a journey to seek myself (whatever that it!). And POOF! “distraction”, the form is not important, it presence is sufficient.

It is almost midnight that I am thinking about i. In retrospect, it feels as if there was no commitment in that thought. The sense of seeking purpose in life is but a sham. Just a glorified thing to talk about with when I get a chance to fool myself into getting a false sense of accomplishment in spiritual playgrounds of life. 

Have you ever felt it?