How much ever I try not to make a decision, I keep coming back to it. Things are pretty simple as they stand for most of us. But added the mental conditions and desires, things get too complicated. I stand today on the crossroads of building a career. I seem incapacitated on most occasions to choose. I was complaining to Swami (spiritual Master), choose something for me, I will do as you wish, but relieve me from this burden of this illusion of deciding my fate. But what am I to do when I cannot see His grand plan? Where am I to look for advice when the situation demands an action? They (don’t know who) say gamble and chance (pretty much the same thing) is a part of life. But one gambles when one knows what they want. Its like gambling on a gamble, meta-games in economic theory.
I feel currently incapacitated by my lack of foot-hold in life. When people praise others, I almost feel equivalent to them defaming me. I who has no backing of good references, who has pretty much a neutral opinion about myself, cannot see today as any different from tomorrow. Every single day lacks a motivation to do something. It is as if, just a part of life that makes no sense and is coming and going as a routine. I know I will keep thinking about it this way till there is someone who feeds my belly, gives me a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. The moment I am on my own, when there is no one to look after this body reality will strike, the same way it struck when I was unceremoniously kicked out of UCF Economics program.
People dont know how lucky they are when there is someone to fall back on to and take care of them in times of crisis. I for one know how much for granted I take my mom and dad. I see the pain they go through even today, when I should take care of them. I have advertently brought suffering to many people I know. Unfortunately, I feel hapless in my thinking. There are so many avenues that come to mind, but I dont know what I want to do. More than that, I dont know what I “should” do.
Unfortunately the dilemma does not end there, questions just keep piling up in my head as to, whether I gotta ask “should or want”. The question stems from the basic inquiry about life’s choices. That is if they are made for you already or are they made here through the options presented in front of us. If I am here for a certain desire to be fulfilled, if so then what is it? If I can just find out about it I will follow it wholeheartedly. Then, if I am here to fulfill that desire, what about all the other desires I have formed for myself. Are they part of the things that need to be fulfilled too before I am content spiritually. Should I just chuck them all and get into something that slowly but surely eliminates all these desires and brings back Me (to me) without all these questions, just peace and contentment. If that is the case, then what if whatever I get into, I am not able take care of my family. What if they are saddened by this affair and I become a cause for their agony. Beyond all that “Does all this matter?”
If anyone is reading this (very unlikely), and is very confused about it, then you can multiply that confusion ten times and imagine the state of my head right now. LOL, but trust me it is the most happening place on earth right now.