Over the last month, I can see a growing sense of chaos in me. Just when I felt I found my feet firmly on ground, just when i thought that the peace from meditation is slowly sinking in me, the chaotic nature of mind re-emerges. I question myself, why is it so difficult to steady the mind, why is it so difficult that a minor slip pushes one off the track. Swami does mention, when one is in the beginning of the spiritual journey, careful vigil and steadiness is essential, lest the slightest twitch may cause the entire endeavor to be rendered fruitless.

But it is so difficult to be ever vigilant, there are just too many vices, that find their way into day to day life through the subtlest of actions. And before i know it, it is already been a few weeks since this Chaos has taken complete control. As i stand here I am drawn in all these multiple directions in life. Desire indeed does breed agony.

My greatest challenge is of making this journey personal. At each stage, when I learn something, (perhaps only a part of it), I am more eager to share and explain to others what i have just found out or understood. To what avail is the word of appreciation or apprehension of another to the heart in agony. Can I drink water to quench someone else’s thirst. Every action, in fact even admitting to a mistake seems to free me of the burden of carrying it, but it does not free me of the vice latent within.

I do not want to be free of the guilt as it is a trick the mind plays with itself. The vice which attaches to the heart as a leech and sucks the contentment out of it slowly and steadily is the root of it. The chaos, begins and ends here.

This constant run away from chaos, is a reminder of my true nature. I leave myself with this… life is an education… there is a famous shloka that i am reminded of…

विद्या ददाति विनयम |
विनयम ददाति पत्रतम ||
पात्रत्वा धनामाप्नोती |
धनत धरमंतातात्सुक्हम ||

Vidya dadati vinayam,
vinaya dadati paatrataam,
paatratva dhanamaapnoti,
dhanat dharmam tatatsukham.

Education gives Humility;
Humility gives Character;
from character one gets wealth;
from wealth one gets righteous (dharmam) life;
from righteousness gets happiness.

Character is wealth beyond measure. In any form of Chaos, character is the one that acts as a lighthouse.