Last four months have been a roller coaster ride. It feels like yesterday that I landed in India. So much has happened and so much left as it is. My dad was diagnosed with a Grade – IV glioblastoma in Feb ’11. I have spent a majority of my year coming to terms with the emotional turmoil that came with it. At times, I have forgotten it in enjoying myself. But acceptance of a certain condition is easier said than done. On one hand, I watch my dad and his certain child-like idiosyncrasies bringing a smile on my face. On the other hand, it also brings pain to see a man so self-sufficient and independent, growing dependent against his desire.
My sister got married a few days back. After the entire function was finished, I could see a typically modest elation on my dad’s face. In his broken, yet, terse expression, that he has been communicating he said, “I am happy!”. For all that she is to him, one of the major responsibilities in his life is taken care of. Though being a joyous occasion, I am yet to come to terms with her absence. I have left dad to her care for over 8 months without worry. Over the last 4 months, I have grown accustomed to her being the receiving end for all my fears, small tasks and illogical discussions. Today, I don’t want to levy so much responsibility on her. I can however see the apprehension in my mom’s eyes due to the sudden loneliness in the house.
When I first saw my dad after 7 months of radiation therapy and chemo sessions, I felt that I should infuse my sense of spiritual learning into him. To bring contentment to him. But the more I tried the more I learnt that it cannot be given. That forced me to reflect on my own ways of life only to find deep roots of discomfort, desire and expectations from life. I leave in a few days to France for further studies. I leave my parents with the burden of taking care of each other. My dad who is on the edge of life. With the faith that Swami is taking care of them both. As I started cleaning up the room, it brought back a flood of memories of the past four months, the fights, the laughs, the sadness, the discussions, the introspective moments, the long afternoons i spent with piles of papers, the long skype conversations and of course the long nights with mosquitoes. Today none of that seems to matter for all are in the past and only the present seems to be of importance. There is much left undone. Some of that which i took up are yet incomplete. The only question that haunts me now is would i be back in time to tie those loose ends.
I can feel my absence would leave a void in the house. I feel like the most selfish man on earth as i leave as if unconcerned and unattached to leave matters to fate, for Providence. Yet seeking assurance from Him, that all will be well.
I have not been able to write these past few months. I don’t know when I will be able to write again for those occasional visitors to this blog. Tomorrow is the Shiva Ratri, the night of the supreme soul. It is a rare chance to have it come on a monday as it is considered very auspicious. I thank Baba, for allowing me to stay in India and atleast giving me the choice to spend that time in visiting the temple where they perform the vedic ritual of Rudra-abhishekham performed through the night.